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How to Create and Maintain a Successful Marriage
Life is wonderful when you have a good marriage. (Even though we use the terms "marriage" and "spouse," this article applies to every type of close, personal, sexual relationship).
You can endure the difficulties at work more easily if you can go home to a successful marriage. You have more fun during your free time when you do it with your spouse. Insurance experts agree that happily married people are healthier and live longer than single people.
On the other hand, life is miserable when you are trapped in a bad marriage. You and your spouse either argue or avoid communicating. You and your spouse cannot agree on anything and prefer to spend your time apart from each other.
The stress of a bad marriage makes your work more difficult. Your production and income suffer because you are miserable. You search for reasons to get a divorce.
An Important Ingredient in All Successful Marriages
"The successful sex relationship depends upon man and woman reaching a high degree of agreement on immediate and long-term goals . . . ." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Goals are a vital factor in a happy, healthy marriage. For example, a married couple shares the goal of raising their children; to help them grow up. They have a high degree (large amount) of agreement on this goal which keeps them happily married while the children are living at home. After the kids are grown and on their own, the couple does not set new goals for themselves as a couple. They argue. They spend less time together. They finally get divorced for several "reasons." They never realize the real reason for the divorce is they have no goals.
Some couples work hard to start a business and then divorce after the business is a big success. They say, "We were happier when we were poor and struggling." The fact is, they did not set and agree on any new goals after the business took off.
A personal disaster often unites a couple because they are forced to agree on a goal. For example, after five years of marriage, Jake and Sara argue every day until Sara finds out she has breast cancer. Suddenly Jake and Sara have a shared goal of getting rid of Sara's cancer. Jake and Sara have a high degree of agreement and so stop their fighting. They fall back in love and work together on this mutual goal.
Another example is with newlyweds. A new couple will often fight during their honeymoon. Their goal to have a wonderful wedding has been achieved. But once the party is over, they have nothing to work on as a team. So they pick on each other.
If you counsel a couple before their wedding, tell them, "You need to spend your honeymoon setting goals for your marriage. You need to agree on immediate goals and long-term goals. Don't come home from your honeymoon until you have several goals worked out."
If the newlyweds follow your advice, they join as a team and jump into life with a mutual direction. They are happily married as they are connected in a common cause. They accomplish a great deal in their lives rather than waste their marriage with disagreements, conflicts and fights.
Disagreements, anger, upsets or "personality conflicts" are often resolved when the two people find and agree on some goals. Each person can have other goals as well, but for the marriage to succeed, both parties must agree on some short- and long-term goals. Recommendations
1. Have a goal-setting session with your spouse. Agree on as many short-term and long-term goals as possible. Write each goal down so you can review them on a regular basis.
The goals can be anything you and your spouse agree to set. Some examples can be: Help our son reach the top 10% of his class. Buy a big new house. Move to Canada. Go on a two-day vacation each month. Save $3 million for our retirement. Clean up the house every weekend. Get Jack through medical school and Jill through law school. Improve our tennis game. Help our friend Fred win the election for governor. Get rid of the roaches. Spend a month in China. Double the size of our computer company. Buy a horse ranch.
2. Whenever you and your spouse start to argue or avoid each other, pull out your goals list. Check your progress on each goal. Ensure you are still in agreement on the goals. You may have reached many of your old goals and must agree on several new ones.
Like magic, getting back in agreement on your goals will replace your angry, hurtful feelings with admiration, respect and love.
3. If you are searching for a mate, find someone who will agree on goals with you. Love, attraction and good communication are never enough. You must determine if you and this person can agree on some goals. Will you and this person work together to reach mutual goals?
4. Help other couples by encouraging them to agree on several short- and long-term goals.
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